Six inviolable rules to claiming horses

Occasionally — as in, very rarely — someone will ask me how we go about identifying the horses we claim.  Usually, this question is asked in a semi-breathless manner, as if I just might be about to give them the key to life, the universe, and everything.

As it happens, that’s about right.  In fact, being able to claim horses successfully qualifies you to do all sorts of fun, exotic, and important jobs — I’m thinking “Vice President of the United States” looks pretty good on an otherwise undistinguished resume — so knowing how to do it is extraordinarily useful.

Heretofore, this valuable skill has been the purview of a small, secretive, Mason-like group of trainer-monks who hoarded the information as if it were gold.  Which, in a way, it is.

Now, however, as a public service, I’m going to throw open the doors to the mint, shine a bright light on the dark corners of this mysterious world, and engage in the overuse of numerous other cliches, which I shall employ willy-nilly.

Still, there are several hard and fast rules to claiming horses.  Which we usually follow.  Except when we don’t.   To wit:

WHEN CLAIMING HORSES…

• DO NOT claim horses whose names involve several words all jammed into one long word (e.g., Aflareandaprayer, running at Belmont this week, or Don’tmesswithrandy, at Laurel).  These are just bad names, and why on earth would you want to buy a horse with a bad name?  Their badness is exacerbated when one or more of the words is misspelled.
• DO claim gray horses.  Everyone loves grays, and even if the one you claim couldn’t win a donkey race (though might still beat The Green Monkey), you’ll at least have the pleasure of hearing someone at the paddock say, “That’s a pretty gray horse.”
• DO NOT claim horses whose names are too optimistic.  We once claimed a horse named “First by Five,” but after several months, it was pretty clear that “Fourth by Four-and-a-half” would have been more apropos.  Bad enough to lose races; you don’t also want to hear the taunting voice of the track announcer noting that your horse, “Always First,” instead shall be last.
• DO claim horses with two-word names when both words are adjectives or common nouns (e.g., Fine Shine, Art Major, Kings Challenge).  Why?  I dunno.  They just seem to work out.
• DO NOT claim horses whose names are too pessimistic.  It’s just bad karma.  There used to be a horse in Maryland named Low Byars; a horse with a name like that who runs poorly is like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• DO claim horses who try hard, even if they have no talent.  It’s much less exasperating when your horse tries hard and loses than when your more talented animal loafs around the track.

Of course, that’s not everything there is to know about claiming horses.  I can’t tell you everything.  For one thing, I don’t know everything.  For another, the super-secret society of trainer-monks might come after me if I divulged all the secrets.

Still, if you follow these inviolable rules, you should end up with pretty, hard-trying, possibly slow horses with good names.  And I’d say that’s at least half the battle.